Loading...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Beautiful Disasters

This is a compilation of two years worth of my quotes which are being referred to as Nolanisms. None of these were possible without alcohol. I dedicate this blog to Kristy and Bianca. Thank you for liking me even though I'm a huge prick. 


You have more assholes than excuses!

420. I don’t smoke pot that's my credit score.

ANSWER: coffee, tea, cup-o-soup. QUESTION: Things Muhammad Ali couldn't drink without spilling.

Anyone coming out tonight? I need someone to keep me company while I cry in my beer.

Arguing with someone about religion is pointless.  It’s like playing chess with a retarded kid and trying to explain what they are doing wrong.

At Etro drinking amaretto sours like a little girl. I'm telling everyone its scotch but keep licking my lips.

Before Obama got elected people used to look around first before making a racist comment. I miss those days.

Being the one to initiate a break up is like sex with a winner.

Black people don't go to therapy, we go to church.

Condoms don't always work so as a back up birth control I only live at places that are located at the top of some stairs.

Dating was hard enough to begin with now I have to compete with dudes wearing eye liner and lesbians. I’ve had it. Now I’m getting even one lesbian at a time.

Did you ever notice fat people never get taken hostage?

Do you ever get the feeling God is laughing at you? Not with you at you.

Does anyone know how to trouble shoot IPhones? Mine keeps sending people pictures of my dick.

Either I smell really good or everyone else really stinks.

Facebook should allow you to make sub folders: friends list, casual friends, people I met when I was drunk.

First cock block ever? GOD! When he knocked up Mary and her poor hubby was left with blue balls raising another guy’s kid.

God is a big kid with an ant farm. Don't piss him off or out comes the magnifying glass.

It's okay to sin. God is always watching so it might as well be entertaining.

Great icebreaker when meeting a woman for the first time: Wow your hands are small. Bet they would make my dick loom huge.

Honor thy father he buys you shit.

I  wonder if pimps text message their hoes. "Where the fuck is my money?" *smiley face*

I can't kiss you with Creed playing. Can't risk it being our song.

I don't care how nice you are if you have a German accent your still creepy. Guy asked me directions and I almost started crying.

I don't know who I hate more. Vegans, hippies or hipsters. They all play hackey sack and sit around farting because they forgot how to laugh.

I drank a bottle of Nyquil and woke up on my floor 4 in the morning. I haven’t partied like that since the flu epidemic of 92”.

I figured out why dudes where skinny jeans now. Lesbians bought all the size 34 jeans.

I finally figured out who was behind the death's of Tupac and Biggie. The people who had the most to gain from it. "Air Brush Artist"

I hate fake people! A drive by is how thugs remove you from their friends list. I have to settle for deletion.

I hate running into old friends you stopped being friends with on bad terms. I got nervous and waved at her like a gay man seeing his first boyfriend across the room. Pull it together!

I have a black belt in the art of the flirtatious insult.

I have an ingenious understanding of what’s wrong I just don't know how to fix it.

I have an Iphone now. Yes I'm better than you. Anyone know how to use this thing?

I just counted ten cars drive by with a dog sitting in their lap. Driving and texting is a crime but animals between you and the steering wheel is okay? If you intend to comment how you drive with your dog in your lap before you post: 1. Go stand in front of a mirror. 2. Take a deep breathe. 3. Punch yourself in the face.

I just had an encounter with a homeless guy ripped like a damn bodybuilder asking me for money. I told him know because he would just use it to buy creatine.

I just made a Harry potter reference to a girl. I wasn't hitting on her but I still feel like a Muggle.

I just spent over two hours watching inception thinking how shitty this movie is then I woke up and realized I only dreamed that I was watching this shitty movie and it really hadn't started yet.

I like using bug bombs it feels like I'm committing tiny genocide.

I live in a corporate world ran by children. Almost tripped over his umbilical cord leaving the interview.

I love Greyhound bus station. Every time I'm here I like to pretend I'm at that bar in Star Wars.

I love when my 8 year old comments on other peoples shitty parenting. I just wish he would whisper when he does it.

I need to clean my car out asap. I got in it this morning to drive to the store and a raccoon jumped out the back seat and put the seatbelt on.

I realized something while hanging by myself tonight..... I'm kind of a dick!

I really need to stop watching zombie movies. Its still dark when I leave for work in the morning and saw a dark figure of a man walking slowly towards me and immediately thought the worst.

I remember my mother used to take me to the women's restroom when I was a kid and no one cared. You could be 38 and its ok as long as your with your mother. But don't take your daughters to the men's room. Little girl staring at me while I pee. Wtf!

I saw a gangsta nerd at HEB. He was saggin' and floodin' at the same time.

I spent a big portion of my life not really giving a crap about anyone then I had a kid. The first time I saw him I pulled a Grinch and my heart grew three sizes bigger. Then it started spreading to caring about people around me. I wish there was a switch where I could turn that part off again and say the hell with everyone else. I'm working on an anti-virus for fake friends.

I think I'm getting sick. I'm hungry, my eyes are blood shot and I have the munchies. Hope it's not the flu.

I think they should stop showing the guy with the hole in his throat for anti smoking campaigns it’s obviously not working. Just show a really ugly person smoking that will make anyone quit.

I use coke to intensify my personality. Unfortunately I'm an asshole.

I want everyone to know I am the shit and your about to smell it.

I was a   religious once. Then I got better.

I was actually cock blocked by my own allergies.

I was in the bathroom with my Pogge while she smoked because it was too cold outside. We told everyone we were doing cocaine because smoking inside is illegal and we didn't want to get in trouble.

I was introduced to this guy my friend is dating who has the worst breathe ever. He thinks we’re friends now because I was buying him shots of Rumplemintz all night.

I was too tired to talk to anyone last night. I was like Anne Franke hiding from the census guy. Za Germans are here. Let me sleep!

I wish I could work on a crime show like NCIS. My life would be in danger ever Wednesday between 8-9pm but you can't beat those hours.

I wish time machines existed. I would go back and bring past Nolan to 2011. Give him a list of names and cab fair and let him go kick some ass. And when I take him back to his time, right after he steps out I'm going to punch him in the face for wearing turtle necks all the time.

I wonder if Hitler ever had house guest. I would be too afraid to use his showers.

I wonder if in the way people actually realize they are in the way.

If an ex spends 8 months telling you how much they miss you and love you and your not sure if they are lying or not. If their lips are moving they most likely are.

If anyone on my friends list is the following: bipolar, insecure, full of shit, judgmental or a scientologist. Please delete me!!!!!

If the rapture does happen please hit San Antonio first. You ever put furniture together and there are extra parts left over. THAT'S SAN ANTONIO!

If ugly were pretty you would be a 10.

If you can't figure out which bar to have a couple of drinks in always stop at the one with two drunk girls screaming at each other in the parking lot.

If you ever want to get rid of a girl never say "It's not you it's me" then they will think you're screwed up and just want to fix you.

If you're a man and you eat cupcakes for dessert it's most likely your entree was a dick.

I'm no longer going to bars that are handicap assessable. Tired of competing with a guy in a wheel chair. Women flock to them like they are cripple puppies. Jokes on them when they find out his dick doesn't work.

I'm not worried about zombie attacks we have the greatest zombie that ever lived on our side. Jesus!

I'm sinking in emotional quicksand.

I'm tired of fucking working! Let's leave early the bar closes in 13 hours.

I'm tired of these idiots they use for outsourced customer service. We have plenty of qualified idiots here in America. I was happy knowing all our idiots were in one place answering phones. Now they are everywhere!!

I'm trying to be more positive these days so eat a dick and live.

In the past hour I've managed to talk to some of the dumbest people in the world. My I.Q. is now room temperature.

Karma is when a homeless person ask you for spare change and you pat your pants pocket and say sorry don't have any. Then then your back pack falls over and the pocket you keep your change in spills all over the place. You lie to homeless people all the time but its really surprising how shitty you feel when you get caught.

Is anyone else sick of J.J. Abrams? His wife probably had a nervous breakdown by now. He gave her the impression they were married and it after eight years it turns out they were dead and in purgatory. I don't care what anyone says lost sucked.

Is it ironic to be obsessed with irony?

It's 6:20 am and I'm waiting to go to work. 6:22am and someone tried to sell me crack. 6:27am two guys in a BMW pull over and approach me; they ask me if I have accepted Jesus as my personal savior; I say know I'm and atheist thank god. 6:33am two guys from BMW by crack from the guy earlier. 6:45am; sitting at my desk; I feel so much better about myself. Let the day begin.

It's not being patronizing if I'm smarter than you.

I've met so many stupid people this month I'm officially pro swine flu!

I've only known you for three hours and already it would take two days to list everything I hate about you.

Just played The Michael Jackson Experience on Wii. The second the game started he gave me a glass of wine and tried to tuck me in.

Kristy: My brother told me today that I'm the worst kind of person and it reminded me of you ♥
Nolan: Bitch you're going to make me cry! ♥

Left Brain: Dear Right Brain. Please make an effort to be more considerate to others. The kindness you get back is invaluable.
Right Brain: Dear Left Brain. Fuck you!

Mia Luna has officially kicked my ass. I haven’t been this sick since Lost Boys 2 came out.

My car is the new messiah. It died and rose again in 3 days.

Never bring a girl you like around your lesbian friends. That's like bringing a salmon around a grizzly bear.

Never call a woman you like the C word. They absolutely hate being called cute.

Never play scrabble with someone who stutters. Everything is a word to them. P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Price! That’s 800 points.

New word: Twatzilla (TM*)

Nolan: I'm depressed Priscilla tell me a joke.
 Priscilla: I can’t all the jokes I know you taught me and they're racist.

OH GOD! I was stuck on the elevator with six Africans. Not African-Americans but African Africans. I had to hold my breath for over a minute. They all were wearing really strong cologne called "me".

Only in Texas: I tried to kill a roach today and it came back with friends.

People who choose not to eat meat are called vegetarians. Women who choose to eat pussy should be called vagatarians.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. And if you have a glass jaw, you should watch your mouth before I break your face!

Please don't take my sarcasm the wrong way. It's a self defense mechanism against stupid people.

Real men don’t cry. Our eyes just sweat.

Remember when people used to just call you when they wanted to talk to you. Now they text you to call them.

Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse wearing a woman costume.

Shopping doesn't make you feel better. Fuck you sex in the city!

Stop getting offended because no one wants to buy your hydro all the time. It's too expensive and never last. Why can't you just sell coke like an adult?

The closest I’ve came to commitment was masturbating into a condom.

The key to a woman's heart is somewhere in the mall.

The only reason I took this temp job was because the job watching paint dry was outsourced to India.

The only thing you need to know about dealing with an irate customer on the phone: Just try and get them to cuss so you can hang up on them.

The Secret works but sucks at the same time. I visualized I needed money and found $10 on the floor at gamestop. At the same time my son visualized he needed a new video game.

There should be double jeopardy laws that apply to mosquitoes. When you are bitten once, said mosquito can not bite you again for a 48 hour period.

They are opening a Walmart in Indian. All the tags in the clothes say made here.

This crying baby is so annoying. Where's a dingo when you need one?

This super sized soda situation is getting out of hand. Small, Medium, large, Extra large and God.

To all my face book friends: if I drunk dial you for sex tonight please please please don't be offended. If you’re into it...... Answer your damn phone!

Was at a cultural festival with my son. They have individual booths for every country in the world. They give you a passport and when you visit all the countries they give you a goodie bag. We went to Korea's booth and they just watched us like we were going to steal.

What ever happened to common courtesy? I'm an asshole and I still say excuse me.

What happened to Angelina Jolie? She is looking more and more like Lady Gaga's skeleton these days.

When I was a kid I prayed for a bike everyday and never got it. When I got older I realized God doesn't work that way. I should have stolen a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Who feels like getting drunk today? Serious inquiries only. Please put in subject line "getting drunk" so I know you read the whole post.

Who wants to go to lunch? Someone who doesn't chew with their mouth open!

Women: you need to take a class on how to treat women!
Why are their only classes for men? Where are the classes teaching women how to shut the fuck up? No one ever gets punched in the face for being quiet.

Why is there is always one person in church crying over the story of how Jesus died? Seriously, how many times have you heard this story? Get past it!

You know you're old when you tell someone to call you on the house phone.

You never know what you had until they yell at you and tell you they don't want to see you anymore.

Young girls today. You open the door for them and they don't say thank you. Just look at you as if it's expected. That's why I put gum in their hair when they walk by.


(Kristy and Bear exit the bathroom)

Kristy: OMFG! Look at my hair. Nolan fix it.

Nolan: I'm not a gay man or a wizard there is nothing I can do for you babe.



I would never wear a condom but I'd definitely wear a Hitler mustache.


You dad is gay? Then why is your house so dirty?


I stopped believing in Jesus long before I stopped believing in Santa Clause.


If we did not arrive together do not tag me. I had to lie to be here tonight.





Monday, October 10, 2011

It's Not You It's Me..... I Just Don't Like You Anymore.

I'm starting to notice the massive increase of mama's boys posing as real men. Mama's boy, is a term for a man who is excessively attached to his mother at an age when men are expected to be independent (economically independent). A mama's boy may be effeminate, or might be perceived as being macho, or might have a personality disorder so that the mother acts as a caretaker. In any case, a mama's boy cannot maintain a healthy relationship with a woman. A mother-bonded man is seen to give control of his own life to his mother, in exchange for a sense of security. The end result of growing up in this scenario is that he forgets how to treat other women and he’s really only into himself. How many of you have boyfriends like this past or present? The guy who expects so much of you and he’ll only do things for you to get something in return. Some of you have that man now, you probably have chosen to ignore it and overlook the obvious. Whatever happened to a 50/50 relationship? These are men who expect you to do things like clean the apartment, wash his clothes, make him dinner, make love to him when you are tired, take care of him when he is sick and the list goes on. I love women, I really do. When a woman is in love with a man she’ll do almost anything to please him, to include overlooking the obvious. In this instance the obvious is that he’s selfish as hell and he thinks that the world revolves around him. In his small mind he feels that it is a privilege for you to be with him. We’ve all heard the expression, “You don’t know what you have, until it’s gone”. Most men learn their lesson when the woman they’re currently with is gone and he finally realizes exactly how much he actually loved her. It's time to grow up, seek real intimacy over porn.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Gleeking

GLEEKING (Verb)
There is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. I and many others suffer from an embarrassing condition called Gleeking. I have live in fear for many years of this horrible secret being exposed but I no longer wish to hide this affliction. In general, Gleeking occurs when an accumulation of saliva in the sublingual gland is propelled out in a stream when the gland is compressed by the tongue. The stream of saliva is released in the general direction of the front of the mouth. If the mouth is open the spit may project several feet, hitting some poor un-expecting person with projectile spit in the face or the back of head. If you too are a sufferer of Gleeking just know you are not alone and there are others out there who understand.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred moments
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moment's so dear

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred moments
That’s how many Gleeks, happen a year

It happens while yawning, while talking
And sometimes during laughter
In small amounts, in large amounts
And some you can’t notice

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred moments
That’s how many Gleeks, happen a year

How many times have you spit on someone
Someone close that was a friend.
A neighbor, a teacher or someone’s brother
Have you ever Gleeked without fear

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred moments
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moment's so dear

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred moments
That’s how many Gleeks, happen a year

You feel like a freak whenever it happens
Just know that your not the only one
Some people Gleek with a passion
Some people Gleek and feel alone

Just remember you’re not on your own…
Just remember you’re not on your own…
Just remember you’re not on your own…

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred moments
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moment's so dear

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred moments
That’s how many Gleeks, happen a year

Friday, May 20, 2011

It's A Cell Phone Not A Microphone!

I love the fact that a large black woman was kicked off a train for her obnoxious 16 hour cell phone conversation. The fact that she was large and black has nothing to do with this blog but in a way it totally it does. I can picture all the white people looking over their shoulder to see if it’s okay to laugh. IT IS OKAY TO LAUGH!!! I’m shocked it took 16 hours for someone to finally say something. I would have pulled a Larry David and started repeating everything she said loudly enough for her to get the point. They need to add side tones to cell phones so people can actually hear themselves talking.
Have you ever watched people in a restaurant having conversation and they immediately stop talking the second the waiter walks up to refill water glasses. It’s like a personal face to face conversation is sacred to them. Have you ever been in an elevator with a group of people? The silence is deafening? That same person will blast their cell phone conversation across a crowded room without a second thought. I consider these people to be sleeper cells; cell phone bombers just waiting for the right opportunity to strike on unsuspecting bystanders. There really isn’t much separating a suicide bomber from a cell phone bomber. Is that too extreme? Let’s examine this a bit further.

The psychology of a present day fundamentalist suicide bomber is extremely puzzling. These people generally have low self esteem and kill themselves and others in order to reach a higher level of self-esteem. Typically people who have loud cell phone conversations use their cell phones as a third party dependency. They do not communicate as much with others on a face to face basis and are more prone to expect a negative response from people they have actual contact with. For them to reach a higher level of self esteem they need to inconvenience the people around them to give off the appearance they are a social person. Hence the term “Cell Phone Bomber”. A suicide bomber is promised 72 virgins so I’m assuming a cell phone bomber is promised something like 4 Bars no matter where you’re calling from. 

The cell phone is already the worst invention in the world. They finally figured out a way to legalize crack in the form of telecommunications. “What could we possibly do to make cell phones worse than they already are” says some big-wig in a corporate office that I made up for the purpose of this blog. “I know lets add a speaker phone.” OMFG!!!! The only thing worse than listening to someone’s loud convo on a cell phone is listening to someone’s squawking parrot like voice over a speaker phone? What the fuck man! Why are you using speaker phone in a public place? Why do we have to listen to your below average girlfriend snort and winnie and your lame jokes because you think it’s cool to use a speaker phone?

The simple fact is that people are losing the most basic of manners that anyone that was born before 1978 has. People just do not have consideration for the people around them. This goes for everything from a simple excuse me when they have to get by or a thank you when someone opens the door for them. When dealing with an obnoxious cell phone talker always assume the transgressor is ignorant, not arrogant. This way you won't feel wronged and can communicate your message with less contempt and hostility.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Are hipsters like soldiers of fortune of style?

Hipsters (Urban Dictionary)

Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter. The greatest concentrations of hipsters can be found living in the Williamsburg, Wicker Park, and Mission District neighborhoods of major cosmopolitan centers such as New York, Chicago, and San Francisco respectively. Although "hipsterism" is really a state of mind, it is also often intertwined with distinct fashion sensibilities. Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. Both hipster men and women sport similar androgynous hair styles that include combinations of messy shag cuts and asymmetric side-swept bangs. Such styles are often associated with the work of creative stylists at urban salons, and are usually too "edgy" for the culturally-sheltered mainstream consumer. The "effortless cool" urban bohemian look of a hipster is exemplified in Urban Outfitters and American Apparel ads which cater towards the hipster demographic. Despite misconceptions based on their aesthetic tastes, hipsters tend to be well educated and often have liberal arts degrees, or degrees in math’s and sciences, which also require certain creative analytical thinking abilities.

Things that hipsters love!

Music that doesn't even exist yet:

By the time the band has formed, hipsters don't like it anymore. Impromptu jam-sesh or bust.


Farming:

Vegetables from grocery stores are just reasonably priced poison.

Logan Square:

It's like a more Bucktownish Bucktown.

Not-for-profit Organizations:

Sorry that we care.

Non-iPod Issued Headphones:

It's a sound quality thing... you wouldn't get it.



Fixies:

Gears are for conformists.

Meekness:

Nothing says "banker" like good posture and eye contact.


Boomboxes:

If it isn't 1992, and you aren't black, leave the boombox at home.


Exaggerated Mustaches:

The mustache can be real or fake. The only requirement is that it makes you look like a character from the "Great Gatsby".


Outside of Boondocks one night a drunken hipster was proudly showing me his "fauxtoo", which was a tattoo he had drawn on his arm with a Sharpie marker. It was a penis with boobs.

I look at the hipsters, and I think, “Well, I like that haircut. I like those pants. I like Coop’s devil girl and Bettie Page and tattooes. I like Eames chairs and Millie’s omelettes and funny blue-tinted drinks.” So why do I resent these people so much?

Now hipster look has become generic and meaningless. People with blue hair listen to top 40. People spend hundreds of dollars trying to look like they shop at the thrift store. They have appropriated the style, yet discarded everything that the style stood for.

Very funny epsiode of a show that combines two of my favorite things hipsters and zombies.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/238677/happy-endings-maxs-school-of-hipster











 
 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

FUCK MYSPACE!!!

I needed to get in touch with a friend who surprisingly did not have a Facebook. So today I logged onto Myspace for the first time in what felt like eons, and I was so frustrated with the experience of the visual STD that is MySpace. From my guess I think they were trying to come across as Facebook in an effort to regain the many lost subscribers they once had. I assure you this was a half ass attempt. I haven’t seen a debacle like this since Bruce Jenner in between facelifts.

I had over four hundred e-mails from internet hookers and spam. At least 30% of those were some hip new band trying to get me to listen to their crappy music. Server issues are ridiculous. It took me four times to log in because of the twelve million thirteen year old girls trying to log on at the same time to blog about Justin Beiber, who is a total douche bag as a kid and will be a douche bag as an adult. I wish someone would do us a favor and molest that kid already.  Okay, way off track!
Get your ass over here Beiber!














I understand it’s a free site and the advertisements pretty much fund the entire thing but the second I was able to log on my home page was flooded with ads and promotions. I’m all about getting paid but there has to be a more tasteful way of doing that. I did like the fact that you could add your own music to your profile page but no one ever changed up the music. There are so many times I can listen to “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry. Their career lasted as long as it takes a bag of ice to melt.

Why is this allowed!!
Myspace has not only broken up several relationships but many friendships as well with their ridiculous apps. My favorite was the top 8 which today is like the top 100 or something now.  This was the ultimate people’s choice awards. It was crazy how many people based their relationship with you by where they were placed on your friends list. You always lied and said “I really don’t even pay attention to that stuff”. BULLSHIT! You ever move someone from their position and immediately get a text “are you mad at me?”.  You knew exactly what you were doing. I think they increased it because of the amount of people dropping dead from the stress of picking and choosing. It was like Sophie’s choice at one point for me.

Don’t get me started on the “own your friends” app. An adorable version of slavery. Can’t tell you how many times my exes dickhead ex-boyfriends would purchase her while we were dating and leaving sexual comments. Not to mention how many times she got mad at me because some random girl not even on my friends list kept purchasing me from her. It’s bad enough I’m only worth $1500 on the Myspace market  but now I’m fighting with her on a daily basis.

In conclusion:

Raise fists towards the heavens and curse

FUCK MYSPACE!!!!!
 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Bi-Sexuality - Fact or Fiction

There's no such thing as bisexuality, that's just something they invented in the 90's to sell hair products
~Liz Lemon

I think bi-sexuality was created by a group of crafty gay men to convince gullible straight guys to blow them. I’ve argued the concept of bi-sexuality with many people. I understand that there are people out there who are truly conflicted with who they are and what sexuality they best fit in but you also have those that abuse the term for their own personal gain. I know many married women who claim they are bi-sexual but choose to be married to a man. That to me sounds like someone who has decided where their place is in life. Unlike lesbians who fall in love women, these are straight girls in love with the idea of being with women.  Switching teams because you’re tired of men “treating you like shit” is not the answer. You date assholes because that is what you’re attracted too. There is a pretty good chance you're going to end up with some asshole girl.

On the other side of things I know women who date bi-sexual men. I’m going to tell you a secret, come in real close so I can whisper it in your ear….YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GAY!!! “No you’re wrong, he’s just enlightened. He can love both men and women”. My favorite is “he isn’t gay, he just likes getting blow jobs from other dudes”. I had a lesbian friend tell me once “If you close your eyes you can’t tell the difference between a guy or a girl doing it.” Why can’t that work on lesbians then? Just close your eyes Randy Dean and pretend I’m a chick. Oh what bliss I would be in. Ladies, you are just dick training wheels until he has the courage to come out. I have a true hatred for men who live in glass closets. You get married, get the house with the white picket fence, hybrid cars in the garage and 2.5 kids. The only problem is your blowing junior’s soccer coach every time the wife steps out to pick up some groceries.

I understand the world is not black and white. And it is sometimes hard for people to see the shades of gray that they do not understand. But don’t make light of something that people truly struggle with everyday.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Fine Art Of The "Hater"

The Fine Art Of The “Hater”

Cockblock (verb)

To interfere with a male's attempt to talk to a prospective romantic or sexual partner. Usually this is performed by distracting one of the parties, obstructing the path between the "pursuing" male and the person being pursued, etc. Reasons for "cock blocking" vary. The cock blocker may have the intention of talking to the pursued person; the cock blocker may not like the male who is attempting to talk to someone; the cock blocker may be looking out for the best interests of the person being pursued, perhaps due to their intoxication. Cock blocking may be intentional or unintentional.

The earliest account of a "cock-block" was guessed to have happened when God convinced the Virgin Mary to have his baby instead, then split leaving the responsibility to Joseph, who received no booty whatsoever.

The first "Hater"
Cockblocking is generally done by someone who is called a “Hater”. In order to understand the process of why haters hate, you must understand the definition of a hater. A hater is "A person whose jealousy of another person success or achievements makes them verbally nit-pick any flaws no matter how small or just make up flaws in order to somehow try and belittle the successful person." Instead of getting mad at haters for hating, keep doing what you do that brings hate your way. Having haters is one way of knowing you’re constantly doing something right. It's always good to have your name in someone else's mouth, keeps you popular.

Understand that it's in a hater’s blood to hate. It's not that they hate you, but rather they hate themselves or hate others who have something going for them. The distaste a hater has for you will only grow over time if you continue to succeed, so push forward. The simplest way to deal with a hater is not to deal with them at all. They seem to always posses a negative aura around them and it may rub off on you if you're around them to long, so let a hater do their job.

I’m convinced that somewhere out there is a "Haters Grail", a mythical goblet that ancient "haters" believed to contain "Haterade". Little is known about the substance, but many believe it gave special powers that gave "Haters" the ability to "cock-block" even the smoothest operator.

Online Dating

It's difficult to come off witty, intelligent and generally attractive in a personal ad. First of all, you have to figure out what kind of attention grabbing headline will attract the kind of person that you want. Generally, you do not want a sociopath, psycho or bot....let alone pills to increase my penis size or a link to porn. I mean, to each their own and I don't judge you if you prefer a sociopath...that's just not for me. Then you have to throw out there what you're looking for in hopes someone will be reading along...doing the same thing that you're doing by searching for a way to entertain themselves while everyone else is enjoying sleeping in for spring break...and BAM...you have 30 emails from some really interesting people of all walks of life. None of which are your soul mate or life partner...which is good because if you came off as any of those I'd be pretty sure you were full of shit. I mean, honestly...do we still believe in soul mates? (ok, so checking myself that seems a bit bitter…realist yes, bitter…nah, I don’t have time to be bitter).

Veggie-Terrorism

Vegetarian (noun)

The use of intimidation and disappointing looks to coerce someone into believing in their cause that meat is murder.A person who does not eat or does not believe in eating meat, fish, fowl, or, in some cases, any food derived from animal, as eggs or cheese, but subsists on vegetables, fruits, nuts, grain, etc.

Veggie-terrorism (noun)

The use of intimidation and disappointing looks to coerce someone into believing in their cause that meat is murder.

I hate vegetarians and not just because they piss on Darwin and try to break the perfectly good food chain but also make me feel guilty, or because, meat being so delicious, they must have lots of willpower. But as an animal lover who agrees in principle with most reasons for giving up meat, I would rather not join that band of humourless, judgmental souls. It would seem that you are indeed what you eat. How can you sleep at night after redistributing wealth from hard-working livestock to lazy, liberal wheat and soy plants? Do not assume living without animal products is always a positive, healthy choice. A vegan couple  have recently been charged with child abuse for malnourishing their three small children. They had been brought up on a vegan diet from birth. There have been similar cases where children, who cannot choose what they eat, have had their health severely damaged because of their parents' principles. They are putting the welfare of animals before that of their children. Giving up meat and dairy has been linked to anorexia and other eating disorders in teenage girls. Lack of vitamin B12, found mainly in meats, eggs, dairy and fish, can cause brain damage. Most vegans, and some non-meat-eaters, have to supplement their diet with pills. In the developed world, vegetarianism is a privileged choice. How many working-class vegetarians do you know? It is not an option for most poor people in this country.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Walmart

This first of many blogs is dedicated to Jacky Klash. Your hatred for Walmart is legendary!!!!

(Source: Southern Mother)

WalMart is the mecca for the lowest common denominator of humanity. The only reason I go there is where else can I afford a middle class lifestyle on an $11/hour salary? Sometimes I have to go there out of convenience. It's closer than Krogers, and unlike Kroger, it is open all the time. Sometimes you need windshield wiper blades, poster board, and bananas at two in the morning. Oddly enough it is still crowded at that time. You have to fight your way through herds of baby mamas pushing their babies and toddlers around in strollers, apparently just to socialize.  It’s socially acceptable and even smiled upon to wear pajama pants or fuzzy slippers in WalMart. This is one of the few perks of shopping there.


Do you have any idea just how low a denominator we are talking here? Why do so many freaks hang out in WalMart? I’ve never been in that store and not seen a person whose appearance didn't shock me so much it was all I could do to keep from screaming at them. WalMart shoppers are not only on the low end of the appearance scale, but the intelligence scale as well. They are unable to look at the merchandise and get their buggies out of the middle of the fucking aisle at the same time. In no other store do I encounter these human-bovine that are totally unaware of the fact that others need to pass by; they also do not respond to "Excuse me."

When it is not customers blocking the aisles, it is the employees. They always plop down pallets of merchandise such that a buggy cannot pass by or strew boxes everywhere with no apparent regard for shoppers. They respond to "Excuse me, please. May I get through?" quizzically and with great difficulty. In Kroger, the employees are actually aware of their surroundings. They greet me like actual homo sapien often before I even see them and are quick to offer to move any stock they are working on, even though it is usually unnecessary because they didn't plop it in the middle of the aisle to begin with. Have you ever tried asking for assistance in a Wal-Mart? If you have, God help you because you must still be stuck in that hellhole waiting for the dumbstruck employee to come back. You are on your own, my friend. I will pray for you.

WalMart is invariably filthy, from the parking lot to the floors to the dusty merchandise to the beaten-down fruit and picked-over clothing. There are bits of trash everywhere. I think the new flooring came pre-scuffed. Even after renovation, Wal-Mart is still fugly. The soul-sapping rows of florescent lights and giant, obtrusive Big Brother-style camera domes may be gone, but the towering stacks of boxed merchandise on top of the shelving and the government cheese-style food displayed in the cardboard boxes it came in are still there. Its own products are cheap and tacky. It does not carry any brands that are more than one step above its own brands.

But if you like ugly shit that's made in China, is probably full of lead, and is worth even less than the low price you paid for it, you're in luck. The creepy greeters have turned into creepy inventory control specialists. I don't see them when I'm coming in, but they are there when I go out, occasionally expecting to check my receipt. I am okay with this at Sam's (a chain they have managed to do right), since they do it every time, or if there was some reason for suspicion. But WTF? I feel like a criminal if you randomly stop me to check my items. Mind your own damn business. I already feel dirty just being in the store.

No matter what time of day or night it is, there will be 50% less cashiers on duty than are needed and I will be in line for several minutes. I will always be behind someone who can't find their food stamps or needs check approval or God knows what; if they are not the one who cannot complete a simple transaction, it is the cashier. The cashiers are people who should not have contact with the public. If McDonald's can train people to give a sincere greeting, so can Wal-Mart. Or I might get one of those who wants to talk and says things like, "Oh, my ex-husband used to like to play with Play-Doh after his hunting accident. But then our trailer burned down and I had to put him into care." Awkward. No one gives a shit about visual appeal at Wal-Mart.

A man can be loading a shotgun on the hood of his truck in the parking lot and security drives right by. Yeah, he's probably a hunter, but maybe he's fixin' to go into the store and start shooting and/or robbing. Isn't that the sort of thing you would want to check out? Their bags even suck. I hate the depressing gray color. Contrast that with Target's oversized white bags with their cheery bullseye logo. Target's bags are even more stretchy so they are less likely to rip, and I love the list of ways to recycle the bags printed right on them (even water balloon!). Which I do. They are big enough to fit in the bathroom trash can, whereas others are not. Target is so infinitely better in every way than Wal-Mart and the prices are almost as low. Am I willing to pay 3 cents more on a gallon of milk to shop at a store which is not shitty, but totally awesome!

Ultimately, I'm glad the lowest common denominator is convinced Wal-Mart is much cheaper than Target, because it keeps them working and shopping at Wal-Mart and I can have Target's gleaming white aisles to myself. Wal-Mart is an evil empire, etc. Go ahead and change your logo and renovate. I am not fooled. Undoubtedly the company prefers intelligence-challenged employees because they are easier to keep from unionizing and lock in at night.