Thursday, October 20, 2011

Beautiful Disasters

This is a compilation of two years worth of my quotes which are being referred to as Nolanisms. None of these were possible without alcohol. I dedicate this blog to Kristy and Bianca. Thank you for liking me even though I'm a huge prick. 

You have more assholes than excuses!

420. I don’t smoke pot that's my credit score.

ANSWER: coffee, tea, cup-o-soup. QUESTION: Things Muhammad Ali couldn't drink without spilling.

Anyone coming out tonight? I need someone to keep me company while I cry in my beer.

Arguing with someone about religion is pointless.  It’s like playing chess with a retarded kid and trying to explain what they are doing wrong.

At Etro drinking amaretto sours like a little girl. I'm telling everyone its scotch but keep licking my lips.

Before Obama got elected people used to look around first before making a racist comment. I miss those days.

Being the one to initiate a break up is like sex with a winner.

Black people don't go to therapy, we go to church.

Condoms don't always work so as a back up birth control I only live at places that are located at the top of some stairs.

Dating was hard enough to begin with now I have to compete with dudes wearing eye liner and lesbians. I’ve had it. Now I’m getting even one lesbian at a time.

Did you ever notice fat people never get taken hostage?

Do you ever get the feeling God is laughing at you? Not with you at you.

Does anyone know how to trouble shoot IPhones? Mine keeps sending people pictures of my dick.

Either I smell really good or everyone else really stinks.

Facebook should allow you to make sub folders: friends list, casual friends, people I met when I was drunk.

First cock block ever? GOD! When he knocked up Mary and her poor hubby was left with blue balls raising another guy’s kid.

God is a big kid with an ant farm. Don't piss him off or out comes the magnifying glass.

It's okay to sin. God is always watching so it might as well be entertaining.

Great icebreaker when meeting a woman for the first time: Wow your hands are small. Bet they would make my dick loom huge.

Honor thy father he buys you shit.

I  wonder if pimps text message their hoes. "Where the fuck is my money?" *smiley face*

I can't kiss you with Creed playing. Can't risk it being our song.

I don't care how nice you are if you have a German accent your still creepy. Guy asked me directions and I almost started crying.

I don't know who I hate more. Vegans, hippies or hipsters. They all play hackey sack and sit around farting because they forgot how to laugh.

I drank a bottle of Nyquil and woke up on my floor 4 in the morning. I haven’t partied like that since the flu epidemic of 92”.

I figured out why dudes where skinny jeans now. Lesbians bought all the size 34 jeans.

I finally figured out who was behind the death's of Tupac and Biggie. The people who had the most to gain from it. "Air Brush Artist"

I hate fake people! A drive by is how thugs remove you from their friends list. I have to settle for deletion.

I hate running into old friends you stopped being friends with on bad terms. I got nervous and waved at her like a gay man seeing his first boyfriend across the room. Pull it together!

I have a black belt in the art of the flirtatious insult.

I have an ingenious understanding of what’s wrong I just don't know how to fix it.

I have an Iphone now. Yes I'm better than you. Anyone know how to use this thing?

I just counted ten cars drive by with a dog sitting in their lap. Driving and texting is a crime but animals between you and the steering wheel is okay? If you intend to comment how you drive with your dog in your lap before you post: 1. Go stand in front of a mirror. 2. Take a deep breathe. 3. Punch yourself in the face.

I just had an encounter with a homeless guy ripped like a damn bodybuilder asking me for money. I told him know because he would just use it to buy creatine.

I just made a Harry potter reference to a girl. I wasn't hitting on her but I still feel like a Muggle.

I just spent over two hours watching inception thinking how shitty this movie is then I woke up and realized I only dreamed that I was watching this shitty movie and it really hadn't started yet.

I like using bug bombs it feels like I'm committing tiny genocide.

I live in a corporate world ran by children. Almost tripped over his umbilical cord leaving the interview.

I love Greyhound bus station. Every time I'm here I like to pretend I'm at that bar in Star Wars.

I love when my 8 year old comments on other peoples shitty parenting. I just wish he would whisper when he does it.

I need to clean my car out asap. I got in it this morning to drive to the store and a raccoon jumped out the back seat and put the seatbelt on.

I realized something while hanging by myself tonight..... I'm kind of a dick!

I really need to stop watching zombie movies. Its still dark when I leave for work in the morning and saw a dark figure of a man walking slowly towards me and immediately thought the worst.

I remember my mother used to take me to the women's restroom when I was a kid and no one cared. You could be 38 and its ok as long as your with your mother. But don't take your daughters to the men's room. Little girl staring at me while I pee. Wtf!

I saw a gangsta nerd at HEB. He was saggin' and floodin' at the same time.

I spent a big portion of my life not really giving a crap about anyone then I had a kid. The first time I saw him I pulled a Grinch and my heart grew three sizes bigger. Then it started spreading to caring about people around me. I wish there was a switch where I could turn that part off again and say the hell with everyone else. I'm working on an anti-virus for fake friends.

I think I'm getting sick. I'm hungry, my eyes are blood shot and I have the munchies. Hope it's not the flu.

I think they should stop showing the guy with the hole in his throat for anti smoking campaigns it’s obviously not working. Just show a really ugly person smoking that will make anyone quit.

I use coke to intensify my personality. Unfortunately I'm an asshole.

I want everyone to know I am the shit and your about to smell it.

I was a   religious once. Then I got better.

I was actually cock blocked by my own allergies.

I was in the bathroom with my Pogge while she smoked because it was too cold outside. We told everyone we were doing cocaine because smoking inside is illegal and we didn't want to get in trouble.

I was introduced to this guy my friend is dating who has the worst breathe ever. He thinks we’re friends now because I was buying him shots of Rumplemintz all night.

I was too tired to talk to anyone last night. I was like Anne Franke hiding from the census guy. Za Germans are here. Let me sleep!

I wish I could work on a crime show like NCIS. My life would be in danger ever Wednesday between 8-9pm but you can't beat those hours.

I wish time machines existed. I would go back and bring past Nolan to 2011. Give him a list of names and cab fair and let him go kick some ass. And when I take him back to his time, right after he steps out I'm going to punch him in the face for wearing turtle necks all the time.

I wonder if Hitler ever had house guest. I would be too afraid to use his showers.

I wonder if in the way people actually realize they are in the way.

If an ex spends 8 months telling you how much they miss you and love you and your not sure if they are lying or not. If their lips are moving they most likely are.

If anyone on my friends list is the following: bipolar, insecure, full of shit, judgmental or a scientologist. Please delete me!!!!!

If the rapture does happen please hit San Antonio first. You ever put furniture together and there are extra parts left over. THAT'S SAN ANTONIO!

If ugly were pretty you would be a 10.

If you can't figure out which bar to have a couple of drinks in always stop at the one with two drunk girls screaming at each other in the parking lot.

If you ever want to get rid of a girl never say "It's not you it's me" then they will think you're screwed up and just want to fix you.

If you're a man and you eat cupcakes for dessert it's most likely your entree was a dick.

I'm no longer going to bars that are handicap assessable. Tired of competing with a guy in a wheel chair. Women flock to them like they are cripple puppies. Jokes on them when they find out his dick doesn't work.

I'm not worried about zombie attacks we have the greatest zombie that ever lived on our side. Jesus!

I'm sinking in emotional quicksand.

I'm tired of fucking working! Let's leave early the bar closes in 13 hours.

I'm tired of these idiots they use for outsourced customer service. We have plenty of qualified idiots here in America. I was happy knowing all our idiots were in one place answering phones. Now they are everywhere!!

I'm trying to be more positive these days so eat a dick and live.

In the past hour I've managed to talk to some of the dumbest people in the world. My I.Q. is now room temperature.

Karma is when a homeless person ask you for spare change and you pat your pants pocket and say sorry don't have any. Then then your back pack falls over and the pocket you keep your change in spills all over the place. You lie to homeless people all the time but its really surprising how shitty you feel when you get caught.

Is anyone else sick of J.J. Abrams? His wife probably had a nervous breakdown by now. He gave her the impression they were married and it after eight years it turns out they were dead and in purgatory. I don't care what anyone says lost sucked.

Is it ironic to be obsessed with irony?

It's 6:20 am and I'm waiting to go to work. 6:22am and someone tried to sell me crack. 6:27am two guys in a BMW pull over and approach me; they ask me if I have accepted Jesus as my personal savior; I say know I'm and atheist thank god. 6:33am two guys from BMW by crack from the guy earlier. 6:45am; sitting at my desk; I feel so much better about myself. Let the day begin.

It's not being patronizing if I'm smarter than you.

I've met so many stupid people this month I'm officially pro swine flu!

I've only known you for three hours and already it would take two days to list everything I hate about you.

Just played The Michael Jackson Experience on Wii. The second the game started he gave me a glass of wine and tried to tuck me in.

Kristy: My brother told me today that I'm the worst kind of person and it reminded me of you ♥
Nolan: Bitch you're going to make me cry! ♥

Left Brain: Dear Right Brain. Please make an effort to be more considerate to others. The kindness you get back is invaluable.
Right Brain: Dear Left Brain. Fuck you!

Mia Luna has officially kicked my ass. I haven’t been this sick since Lost Boys 2 came out.

My car is the new messiah. It died and rose again in 3 days.

Never bring a girl you like around your lesbian friends. That's like bringing a salmon around a grizzly bear.

Never call a woman you like the C word. They absolutely hate being called cute.

Never play scrabble with someone who stutters. Everything is a word to them. P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Price! That’s 800 points.

New word: Twatzilla (TM*)

Nolan: I'm depressed Priscilla tell me a joke.
 Priscilla: I can’t all the jokes I know you taught me and they're racist.

OH GOD! I was stuck on the elevator with six Africans. Not African-Americans but African Africans. I had to hold my breath for over a minute. They all were wearing really strong cologne called "me".

Only in Texas: I tried to kill a roach today and it came back with friends.

People who choose not to eat meat are called vegetarians. Women who choose to eat pussy should be called vagatarians.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. And if you have a glass jaw, you should watch your mouth before I break your face!

Please don't take my sarcasm the wrong way. It's a self defense mechanism against stupid people.

Real men don’t cry. Our eyes just sweat.

Remember when people used to just call you when they wanted to talk to you. Now they text you to call them.

Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse wearing a woman costume.

Shopping doesn't make you feel better. Fuck you sex in the city!

Stop getting offended because no one wants to buy your hydro all the time. It's too expensive and never last. Why can't you just sell coke like an adult?

The closest I’ve came to commitment was masturbating into a condom.

The key to a woman's heart is somewhere in the mall.

The only reason I took this temp job was because the job watching paint dry was outsourced to India.

The only thing you need to know about dealing with an irate customer on the phone: Just try and get them to cuss so you can hang up on them.

The Secret works but sucks at the same time. I visualized I needed money and found $10 on the floor at gamestop. At the same time my son visualized he needed a new video game.

There should be double jeopardy laws that apply to mosquitoes. When you are bitten once, said mosquito can not bite you again for a 48 hour period.

They are opening a Walmart in Indian. All the tags in the clothes say made here.

This crying baby is so annoying. Where's a dingo when you need one?

This super sized soda situation is getting out of hand. Small, Medium, large, Extra large and God.

To all my face book friends: if I drunk dial you for sex tonight please please please don't be offended. If you’re into it...... Answer your damn phone!

Was at a cultural festival with my son. They have individual booths for every country in the world. They give you a passport and when you visit all the countries they give you a goodie bag. We went to Korea's booth and they just watched us like we were going to steal.

What ever happened to common courtesy? I'm an asshole and I still say excuse me.

What happened to Angelina Jolie? She is looking more and more like Lady Gaga's skeleton these days.

When I was a kid I prayed for a bike everyday and never got it. When I got older I realized God doesn't work that way. I should have stolen a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Who feels like getting drunk today? Serious inquiries only. Please put in subject line "getting drunk" so I know you read the whole post.

Who wants to go to lunch? Someone who doesn't chew with their mouth open!

Women: you need to take a class on how to treat women!
Why are their only classes for men? Where are the classes teaching women how to shut the fuck up? No one ever gets punched in the face for being quiet.

Why is there is always one person in church crying over the story of how Jesus died? Seriously, how many times have you heard this story? Get past it!

You know you're old when you tell someone to call you on the house phone.

You never know what you had until they yell at you and tell you they don't want to see you anymore.

Young girls today. You open the door for them and they don't say thank you. Just look at you as if it's expected. That's why I put gum in their hair when they walk by.

(Kristy and Bear exit the bathroom)

Kristy: OMFG! Look at my hair. Nolan fix it.

Nolan: I'm not a gay man or a wizard there is nothing I can do for you babe.

I would never wear a condom but I'd definitely wear a Hitler mustache.

You dad is gay? Then why is your house so dirty?

I stopped believing in Jesus long before I stopped believing in Santa Clause.

If we did not arrive together do not tag me. I had to lie to be here tonight.

No comments:

Post a Comment