Friday, May 20, 2011

It's A Cell Phone Not A Microphone!

I love the fact that a large black woman was kicked off a train for her obnoxious 16 hour cell phone conversation. The fact that she was large and black has nothing to do with this blog but in a way it totally it does. I can picture all the white people looking over their shoulder to see if it’s okay to laugh. IT IS OKAY TO LAUGH!!! I’m shocked it took 16 hours for someone to finally say something. I would have pulled a Larry David and started repeating everything she said loudly enough for her to get the point. They need to add side tones to cell phones so people can actually hear themselves talking.
Have you ever watched people in a restaurant having conversation and they immediately stop talking the second the waiter walks up to refill water glasses. It’s like a personal face to face conversation is sacred to them. Have you ever been in an elevator with a group of people? The silence is deafening? That same person will blast their cell phone conversation across a crowded room without a second thought. I consider these people to be sleeper cells; cell phone bombers just waiting for the right opportunity to strike on unsuspecting bystanders. There really isn’t much separating a suicide bomber from a cell phone bomber. Is that too extreme? Let’s examine this a bit further.

The psychology of a present day fundamentalist suicide bomber is extremely puzzling. These people generally have low self esteem and kill themselves and others in order to reach a higher level of self-esteem. Typically people who have loud cell phone conversations use their cell phones as a third party dependency. They do not communicate as much with others on a face to face basis and are more prone to expect a negative response from people they have actual contact with. For them to reach a higher level of self esteem they need to inconvenience the people around them to give off the appearance they are a social person. Hence the term “Cell Phone Bomber”. A suicide bomber is promised 72 virgins so I’m assuming a cell phone bomber is promised something like 4 Bars no matter where you’re calling from. 

The cell phone is already the worst invention in the world. They finally figured out a way to legalize crack in the form of telecommunications. “What could we possibly do to make cell phones worse than they already are” says some big-wig in a corporate office that I made up for the purpose of this blog. “I know lets add a speaker phone.” OMFG!!!! The only thing worse than listening to someone’s loud convo on a cell phone is listening to someone’s squawking parrot like voice over a speaker phone? What the fuck man! Why are you using speaker phone in a public place? Why do we have to listen to your below average girlfriend snort and winnie and your lame jokes because you think it’s cool to use a speaker phone?

The simple fact is that people are losing the most basic of manners that anyone that was born before 1978 has. People just do not have consideration for the people around them. This goes for everything from a simple excuse me when they have to get by or a thank you when someone opens the door for them. When dealing with an obnoxious cell phone talker always assume the transgressor is ignorant, not arrogant. This way you won't feel wronged and can communicate your message with less contempt and hostility.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Are hipsters like soldiers of fortune of style?

Hipsters (Urban Dictionary)

Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter. The greatest concentrations of hipsters can be found living in the Williamsburg, Wicker Park, and Mission District neighborhoods of major cosmopolitan centers such as New York, Chicago, and San Francisco respectively. Although "hipsterism" is really a state of mind, it is also often intertwined with distinct fashion sensibilities. Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. Both hipster men and women sport similar androgynous hair styles that include combinations of messy shag cuts and asymmetric side-swept bangs. Such styles are often associated with the work of creative stylists at urban salons, and are usually too "edgy" for the culturally-sheltered mainstream consumer. The "effortless cool" urban bohemian look of a hipster is exemplified in Urban Outfitters and American Apparel ads which cater towards the hipster demographic. Despite misconceptions based on their aesthetic tastes, hipsters tend to be well educated and often have liberal arts degrees, or degrees in math’s and sciences, which also require certain creative analytical thinking abilities.

Things that hipsters love!

Music that doesn't even exist yet:

By the time the band has formed, hipsters don't like it anymore. Impromptu jam-sesh or bust.


Vegetables from grocery stores are just reasonably priced poison.

Logan Square:

It's like a more Bucktownish Bucktown.

Not-for-profit Organizations:

Sorry that we care.

Non-iPod Issued Headphones:

It's a sound quality thing... you wouldn't get it.


Gears are for conformists.


Nothing says "banker" like good posture and eye contact.


If it isn't 1992, and you aren't black, leave the boombox at home.

Exaggerated Mustaches:

The mustache can be real or fake. The only requirement is that it makes you look like a character from the "Great Gatsby".

Outside of Boondocks one night a drunken hipster was proudly showing me his "fauxtoo", which was a tattoo he had drawn on his arm with a Sharpie marker. It was a penis with boobs.

I look at the hipsters, and I think, “Well, I like that haircut. I like those pants. I like Coop’s devil girl and Bettie Page and tattooes. I like Eames chairs and Millie’s omelettes and funny blue-tinted drinks.” So why do I resent these people so much?

Now hipster look has become generic and meaningless. People with blue hair listen to top 40. People spend hundreds of dollars trying to look like they shop at the thrift store. They have appropriated the style, yet discarded everything that the style stood for.

Very funny epsiode of a show that combines two of my favorite things hipsters and zombies.



Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I needed to get in touch with a friend who surprisingly did not have a Facebook. So today I logged onto Myspace for the first time in what felt like eons, and I was so frustrated with the experience of the visual STD that is MySpace. From my guess I think they were trying to come across as Facebook in an effort to regain the many lost subscribers they once had. I assure you this was a half ass attempt. I haven’t seen a debacle like this since Bruce Jenner in between facelifts.

I had over four hundred e-mails from internet hookers and spam. At least 30% of those were some hip new band trying to get me to listen to their crappy music. Server issues are ridiculous. It took me four times to log in because of the twelve million thirteen year old girls trying to log on at the same time to blog about Justin Beiber, who is a total douche bag as a kid and will be a douche bag as an adult. I wish someone would do us a favor and molest that kid already.  Okay, way off track!
Get your ass over here Beiber!

I understand it’s a free site and the advertisements pretty much fund the entire thing but the second I was able to log on my home page was flooded with ads and promotions. I’m all about getting paid but there has to be a more tasteful way of doing that. I did like the fact that you could add your own music to your profile page but no one ever changed up the music. There are so many times I can listen to “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry. Their career lasted as long as it takes a bag of ice to melt.

Why is this allowed!!
Myspace has not only broken up several relationships but many friendships as well with their ridiculous apps. My favorite was the top 8 which today is like the top 100 or something now.  This was the ultimate people’s choice awards. It was crazy how many people based their relationship with you by where they were placed on your friends list. You always lied and said “I really don’t even pay attention to that stuff”. BULLSHIT! You ever move someone from their position and immediately get a text “are you mad at me?”.  You knew exactly what you were doing. I think they increased it because of the amount of people dropping dead from the stress of picking and choosing. It was like Sophie’s choice at one point for me.

Don’t get me started on the “own your friends” app. An adorable version of slavery. Can’t tell you how many times my exes dickhead ex-boyfriends would purchase her while we were dating and leaving sexual comments. Not to mention how many times she got mad at me because some random girl not even on my friends list kept purchasing me from her. It’s bad enough I’m only worth $1500 on the Myspace market  but now I’m fighting with her on a daily basis.

In conclusion:

Raise fists towards the heavens and curse


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Bi-Sexuality - Fact or Fiction

There's no such thing as bisexuality, that's just something they invented in the 90's to sell hair products
~Liz Lemon

I think bi-sexuality was created by a group of crafty gay men to convince gullible straight guys to blow them. I’ve argued the concept of bi-sexuality with many people. I understand that there are people out there who are truly conflicted with who they are and what sexuality they best fit in but you also have those that abuse the term for their own personal gain. I know many married women who claim they are bi-sexual but choose to be married to a man. That to me sounds like someone who has decided where their place is in life. Unlike lesbians who fall in love women, these are straight girls in love with the idea of being with women.  Switching teams because you’re tired of men “treating you like shit” is not the answer. You date assholes because that is what you’re attracted too. There is a pretty good chance you're going to end up with some asshole girl.

On the other side of things I know women who date bi-sexual men. I’m going to tell you a secret, come in real close so I can whisper it in your ear….YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GAY!!! “No you’re wrong, he’s just enlightened. He can love both men and women”. My favorite is “he isn’t gay, he just likes getting blow jobs from other dudes”. I had a lesbian friend tell me once “If you close your eyes you can’t tell the difference between a guy or a girl doing it.” Why can’t that work on lesbians then? Just close your eyes Randy Dean and pretend I’m a chick. Oh what bliss I would be in. Ladies, you are just dick training wheels until he has the courage to come out. I have a true hatred for men who live in glass closets. You get married, get the house with the white picket fence, hybrid cars in the garage and 2.5 kids. The only problem is your blowing junior’s soccer coach every time the wife steps out to pick up some groceries.

I understand the world is not black and white. And it is sometimes hard for people to see the shades of gray that they do not understand. But don’t make light of something that people truly struggle with everyday.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Fine Art Of The "Hater"

The Fine Art Of The “Hater”

Cockblock (verb)

To interfere with a male's attempt to talk to a prospective romantic or sexual partner. Usually this is performed by distracting one of the parties, obstructing the path between the "pursuing" male and the person being pursued, etc. Reasons for "cock blocking" vary. The cock blocker may have the intention of talking to the pursued person; the cock blocker may not like the male who is attempting to talk to someone; the cock blocker may be looking out for the best interests of the person being pursued, perhaps due to their intoxication. Cock blocking may be intentional or unintentional.

The earliest account of a "cock-block" was guessed to have happened when God convinced the Virgin Mary to have his baby instead, then split leaving the responsibility to Joseph, who received no booty whatsoever.

The first "Hater"
Cockblocking is generally done by someone who is called a “Hater”. In order to understand the process of why haters hate, you must understand the definition of a hater. A hater is "A person whose jealousy of another person success or achievements makes them verbally nit-pick any flaws no matter how small or just make up flaws in order to somehow try and belittle the successful person." Instead of getting mad at haters for hating, keep doing what you do that brings hate your way. Having haters is one way of knowing you’re constantly doing something right. It's always good to have your name in someone else's mouth, keeps you popular.

Understand that it's in a hater’s blood to hate. It's not that they hate you, but rather they hate themselves or hate others who have something going for them. The distaste a hater has for you will only grow over time if you continue to succeed, so push forward. The simplest way to deal with a hater is not to deal with them at all. They seem to always posses a negative aura around them and it may rub off on you if you're around them to long, so let a hater do their job.

I’m convinced that somewhere out there is a "Haters Grail", a mythical goblet that ancient "haters" believed to contain "Haterade". Little is known about the substance, but many believe it gave special powers that gave "Haters" the ability to "cock-block" even the smoothest operator.

Online Dating

It's difficult to come off witty, intelligent and generally attractive in a personal ad. First of all, you have to figure out what kind of attention grabbing headline will attract the kind of person that you want. Generally, you do not want a sociopath, psycho or bot....let alone pills to increase my penis size or a link to porn. I mean, to each their own and I don't judge you if you prefer a sociopath...that's just not for me. Then you have to throw out there what you're looking for in hopes someone will be reading along...doing the same thing that you're doing by searching for a way to entertain themselves while everyone else is enjoying sleeping in for spring break...and BAM...you have 30 emails from some really interesting people of all walks of life. None of which are your soul mate or life partner...which is good because if you came off as any of those I'd be pretty sure you were full of shit. I mean, honestly...do we still believe in soul mates? (ok, so checking myself that seems a bit bitter…realist yes, bitter…nah, I don’t have time to be bitter).


Vegetarian (noun)

The use of intimidation and disappointing looks to coerce someone into believing in their cause that meat is murder.A person who does not eat or does not believe in eating meat, fish, fowl, or, in some cases, any food derived from animal, as eggs or cheese, but subsists on vegetables, fruits, nuts, grain, etc.

Veggie-terrorism (noun)

The use of intimidation and disappointing looks to coerce someone into believing in their cause that meat is murder.

I hate vegetarians and not just because they piss on Darwin and try to break the perfectly good food chain but also make me feel guilty, or because, meat being so delicious, they must have lots of willpower. But as an animal lover who agrees in principle with most reasons for giving up meat, I would rather not join that band of humourless, judgmental souls. It would seem that you are indeed what you eat. How can you sleep at night after redistributing wealth from hard-working livestock to lazy, liberal wheat and soy plants? Do not assume living without animal products is always a positive, healthy choice. A vegan couple  have recently been charged with child abuse for malnourishing their three small children. They had been brought up on a vegan diet from birth. There have been similar cases where children, who cannot choose what they eat, have had their health severely damaged because of their parents' principles. They are putting the welfare of animals before that of their children. Giving up meat and dairy has been linked to anorexia and other eating disorders in teenage girls. Lack of vitamin B12, found mainly in meats, eggs, dairy and fish, can cause brain damage. Most vegans, and some non-meat-eaters, have to supplement their diet with pills. In the developed world, vegetarianism is a privileged choice. How many working-class vegetarians do you know? It is not an option for most poor people in this country.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


This first of many blogs is dedicated to Jacky Klash. Your hatred for Walmart is legendary!!!!

(Source: Southern Mother)

WalMart is the mecca for the lowest common denominator of humanity. The only reason I go there is where else can I afford a middle class lifestyle on an $11/hour salary? Sometimes I have to go there out of convenience. It's closer than Krogers, and unlike Kroger, it is open all the time. Sometimes you need windshield wiper blades, poster board, and bananas at two in the morning. Oddly enough it is still crowded at that time. You have to fight your way through herds of baby mamas pushing their babies and toddlers around in strollers, apparently just to socialize.  It’s socially acceptable and even smiled upon to wear pajama pants or fuzzy slippers in WalMart. This is one of the few perks of shopping there.

Do you have any idea just how low a denominator we are talking here? Why do so many freaks hang out in WalMart? I’ve never been in that store and not seen a person whose appearance didn't shock me so much it was all I could do to keep from screaming at them. WalMart shoppers are not only on the low end of the appearance scale, but the intelligence scale as well. They are unable to look at the merchandise and get their buggies out of the middle of the fucking aisle at the same time. In no other store do I encounter these human-bovine that are totally unaware of the fact that others need to pass by; they also do not respond to "Excuse me."

When it is not customers blocking the aisles, it is the employees. They always plop down pallets of merchandise such that a buggy cannot pass by or strew boxes everywhere with no apparent regard for shoppers. They respond to "Excuse me, please. May I get through?" quizzically and with great difficulty. In Kroger, the employees are actually aware of their surroundings. They greet me like actual homo sapien often before I even see them and are quick to offer to move any stock they are working on, even though it is usually unnecessary because they didn't plop it in the middle of the aisle to begin with. Have you ever tried asking for assistance in a Wal-Mart? If you have, God help you because you must still be stuck in that hellhole waiting for the dumbstruck employee to come back. You are on your own, my friend. I will pray for you.

WalMart is invariably filthy, from the parking lot to the floors to the dusty merchandise to the beaten-down fruit and picked-over clothing. There are bits of trash everywhere. I think the new flooring came pre-scuffed. Even after renovation, Wal-Mart is still fugly. The soul-sapping rows of florescent lights and giant, obtrusive Big Brother-style camera domes may be gone, but the towering stacks of boxed merchandise on top of the shelving and the government cheese-style food displayed in the cardboard boxes it came in are still there. Its own products are cheap and tacky. It does not carry any brands that are more than one step above its own brands.

But if you like ugly shit that's made in China, is probably full of lead, and is worth even less than the low price you paid for it, you're in luck. The creepy greeters have turned into creepy inventory control specialists. I don't see them when I'm coming in, but they are there when I go out, occasionally expecting to check my receipt. I am okay with this at Sam's (a chain they have managed to do right), since they do it every time, or if there was some reason for suspicion. But WTF? I feel like a criminal if you randomly stop me to check my items. Mind your own damn business. I already feel dirty just being in the store.

No matter what time of day or night it is, there will be 50% less cashiers on duty than are needed and I will be in line for several minutes. I will always be behind someone who can't find their food stamps or needs check approval or God knows what; if they are not the one who cannot complete a simple transaction, it is the cashier. The cashiers are people who should not have contact with the public. If McDonald's can train people to give a sincere greeting, so can Wal-Mart. Or I might get one of those who wants to talk and says things like, "Oh, my ex-husband used to like to play with Play-Doh after his hunting accident. But then our trailer burned down and I had to put him into care." Awkward. No one gives a shit about visual appeal at Wal-Mart.

A man can be loading a shotgun on the hood of his truck in the parking lot and security drives right by. Yeah, he's probably a hunter, but maybe he's fixin' to go into the store and start shooting and/or robbing. Isn't that the sort of thing you would want to check out? Their bags even suck. I hate the depressing gray color. Contrast that with Target's oversized white bags with their cheery bullseye logo. Target's bags are even more stretchy so they are less likely to rip, and I love the list of ways to recycle the bags printed right on them (even water balloon!). Which I do. They are big enough to fit in the bathroom trash can, whereas others are not. Target is so infinitely better in every way than Wal-Mart and the prices are almost as low. Am I willing to pay 3 cents more on a gallon of milk to shop at a store which is not shitty, but totally awesome!

Ultimately, I'm glad the lowest common denominator is convinced Wal-Mart is much cheaper than Target, because it keeps them working and shopping at Wal-Mart and I can have Target's gleaming white aisles to myself. Wal-Mart is an evil empire, etc. Go ahead and change your logo and renovate. I am not fooled. Undoubtedly the company prefers intelligence-challenged employees because they are easier to keep from unionizing and lock in at night.