Sunday, May 1, 2011


This first of many blogs is dedicated to Jacky Klash. Your hatred for Walmart is legendary!!!!

(Source: Southern Mother)

WalMart is the mecca for the lowest common denominator of humanity. The only reason I go there is where else can I afford a middle class lifestyle on an $11/hour salary? Sometimes I have to go there out of convenience. It's closer than Krogers, and unlike Kroger, it is open all the time. Sometimes you need windshield wiper blades, poster board, and bananas at two in the morning. Oddly enough it is still crowded at that time. You have to fight your way through herds of baby mamas pushing their babies and toddlers around in strollers, apparently just to socialize.  It’s socially acceptable and even smiled upon to wear pajama pants or fuzzy slippers in WalMart. This is one of the few perks of shopping there.

Do you have any idea just how low a denominator we are talking here? Why do so many freaks hang out in WalMart? I’ve never been in that store and not seen a person whose appearance didn't shock me so much it was all I could do to keep from screaming at them. WalMart shoppers are not only on the low end of the appearance scale, but the intelligence scale as well. They are unable to look at the merchandise and get their buggies out of the middle of the fucking aisle at the same time. In no other store do I encounter these human-bovine that are totally unaware of the fact that others need to pass by; they also do not respond to "Excuse me."

When it is not customers blocking the aisles, it is the employees. They always plop down pallets of merchandise such that a buggy cannot pass by or strew boxes everywhere with no apparent regard for shoppers. They respond to "Excuse me, please. May I get through?" quizzically and with great difficulty. In Kroger, the employees are actually aware of their surroundings. They greet me like actual homo sapien often before I even see them and are quick to offer to move any stock they are working on, even though it is usually unnecessary because they didn't plop it in the middle of the aisle to begin with. Have you ever tried asking for assistance in a Wal-Mart? If you have, God help you because you must still be stuck in that hellhole waiting for the dumbstruck employee to come back. You are on your own, my friend. I will pray for you.

WalMart is invariably filthy, from the parking lot to the floors to the dusty merchandise to the beaten-down fruit and picked-over clothing. There are bits of trash everywhere. I think the new flooring came pre-scuffed. Even after renovation, Wal-Mart is still fugly. The soul-sapping rows of florescent lights and giant, obtrusive Big Brother-style camera domes may be gone, but the towering stacks of boxed merchandise on top of the shelving and the government cheese-style food displayed in the cardboard boxes it came in are still there. Its own products are cheap and tacky. It does not carry any brands that are more than one step above its own brands.

But if you like ugly shit that's made in China, is probably full of lead, and is worth even less than the low price you paid for it, you're in luck. The creepy greeters have turned into creepy inventory control specialists. I don't see them when I'm coming in, but they are there when I go out, occasionally expecting to check my receipt. I am okay with this at Sam's (a chain they have managed to do right), since they do it every time, or if there was some reason for suspicion. But WTF? I feel like a criminal if you randomly stop me to check my items. Mind your own damn business. I already feel dirty just being in the store.

No matter what time of day or night it is, there will be 50% less cashiers on duty than are needed and I will be in line for several minutes. I will always be behind someone who can't find their food stamps or needs check approval or God knows what; if they are not the one who cannot complete a simple transaction, it is the cashier. The cashiers are people who should not have contact with the public. If McDonald's can train people to give a sincere greeting, so can Wal-Mart. Or I might get one of those who wants to talk and says things like, "Oh, my ex-husband used to like to play with Play-Doh after his hunting accident. But then our trailer burned down and I had to put him into care." Awkward. No one gives a shit about visual appeal at Wal-Mart.

A man can be loading a shotgun on the hood of his truck in the parking lot and security drives right by. Yeah, he's probably a hunter, but maybe he's fixin' to go into the store and start shooting and/or robbing. Isn't that the sort of thing you would want to check out? Their bags even suck. I hate the depressing gray color. Contrast that with Target's oversized white bags with their cheery bullseye logo. Target's bags are even more stretchy so they are less likely to rip, and I love the list of ways to recycle the bags printed right on them (even water balloon!). Which I do. They are big enough to fit in the bathroom trash can, whereas others are not. Target is so infinitely better in every way than Wal-Mart and the prices are almost as low. Am I willing to pay 3 cents more on a gallon of milk to shop at a store which is not shitty, but totally awesome!

Ultimately, I'm glad the lowest common denominator is convinced Wal-Mart is much cheaper than Target, because it keeps them working and shopping at Wal-Mart and I can have Target's gleaming white aisles to myself. Wal-Mart is an evil empire, etc. Go ahead and change your logo and renovate. I am not fooled. Undoubtedly the company prefers intelligence-challenged employees because they are easier to keep from unionizing and lock in at night.


  1. Sometimes, you just have to respect yourself enough to say, "No! I will not shop at Walmart anymore!" Be strong and just say no!

  2. The bags at WalMart are depressing! Damn, I never noticed that.