It's A Cell Phone Not A Microphone!

I love the fact that a large black woman was kicked off a train for her obnoxious 16 hour cell phone conversation. The fact that she was large and black has nothing to do with this blog but in a way it totally it does. I can picture all the white people looking over their shoulder to see if it’s okay to laugh. IT IS OKAY TO LAUGH!!! I’m shocked it took 16 hours for someone to finally say something. I would have pulled a Larry David and started repeating everything she said loudly enough for her to get the point. They need to add side tones to cell phones so people can actually hear themselves talking.

Have you ever watched people in a restaurant having conversation and they immediately stop talking the second the waiter walks up to refill water glasses. It’s like a personal face to face conversation is sacred to them. Have you ever been in an elevator with a group of people? The silence is deafening? That same person will blast their cell phone conversation across a crowded room without a second thought. I consider these people to be sleeper cells; cell phone bombers just waiting for the right opportunity to strike on unsuspecting bystanders. There really isn’t much separating a suicide bomber from a cell phone bomber. Is that too extreme? Let’s examine this a bit further.

The psychology of a present day fundamentalist suicide bomber is extremely puzzling. These people generally have low self esteem and kill themselves and others in order to reach a higher level of self-esteem. Typically people who have loud cell phone conversations use their cell phones as a third party dependency. They do not communicate as much with others on a face to face basis and are more prone to expect a negative response from people they have actual contact with. For them to reach a higher level of self esteem they need to inconvenience the people around them to give off the appearance they are a social person. Hence the term “Cell Phone Bomber”. A suicide bomber is promised 72 virgins so I’m assuming a cell phone bomber is promised something like 4 Bars no matter where you’re calling from. 

The cell phone is already the worst invention in the world. They finally figured out a way to legalize crack in the form of telecommunications. “What could we possibly do to make cell phones worse than they already are” says some big-wig in a corporate office that I made up for the purpose of this blog. “I know lets add a speaker phone.” OMFG!!!! The only thing worse than listening to someone’s loud convo on a cell phone is listening to someone’s squawking parrot like voice over a speaker phone? What the fuck man! Why are you using speaker phone in a public place? Why do we have to listen to your below average girlfriend snort and winnie and your lame jokes because you think it’s cool to use a speaker phone?

The simple fact is that people are losing the most basic of manners that anyone that was born before 1978 has. People just do not have consideration for the people around them. This goes for everything from a simple excuse me when they have to get by or a thank you when someone opens the door for them. When dealing with an obnoxious cell phone talker always assume the transgressor is ignorant, not arrogant. This way you won't feel wronged and can communicate your message with less contempt and hostility.